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U.F. My reversal of Fuck You.

This is the post excerpt.

Gritty truth emerges from years of unwanted experience. Days turn to months, months turn to decades…. I went down the wrong path, and I admit that. My past is not one that I can speak of with pride. However, I escaped this life as an authority on certain subjects, at least compared to the 99.8% of opinionated individuals who haven’t experienced things to a fragmented-severed-crippled fraction of the extent that I have and want to speak on it like they actually know.

How can one speak on topics so forcefully, when they have so little direct knowledge/experience? I can destroy others in reference to these topics, because I lived a certain life, and like I said, not with pride… I have an extraordinary amount of experience (that it is both inappropriate and unnecessary for me to talk about), that in all honesty, I’d like to forget and pretend never happened… But I know that that’s not the right thing to do…. It is so easy to philosophically shatter these less-seasoned/less-battle-scarred individuals (and if you are one of them, that’s ok, you’ll still like me) who want to speak authoritatively on phenomena that happen to “legally” fall under the categories of “sexual assault,” “domestic violence,” and an “industry that I absolutely refuse to recognize as it’s common name”. A misnomer like no other.

Perhaps my first/next post will be renaming what has unfortunately been called something that it is not. “Adult theatre” is the real name. And the only one I’ll ever mention. A term that holds validity, because what is seen is not real, it’s an act: like Broadway theatre, but not as respected. Oscars and Emmys are still due though. The acting is often better, it’s just not filmed and mass produced. Please take this tidbit to the grave with you…. Other terms (to remain nameless) try to destroy something that is beautiful and pure, that can be sacred and should be enjoyable… They take something good and try to distort it, so let’s keep with the word “theatre.” Let’s make sure that’s emphasized. That a fleeting performance is not concrete permanent reality, and spectators/purveyors/participants have a responsibility to distinguish between the two… I promise to address this further in a future post, because it’s important and you need to know. Moving on….

While my first instinct/desire is to mop the floor (with those who think a certain way), and hang them to dry… to use them as a rag to polish my car with, before churning them through the garbage disposal… to pick them apart piece by piece, dismantle them, then sprinkle them on the ground to be used as fodder, bird feed, and kibble… I’m trying my best to take the higher road. Educate and communicate in a more civil, educated, and elegant manner. Let’s see how well I do.

So…

With much discipline and devotion, I’ve somehow mustered the ability to say U.F., my reversal of Fuck You. What does U.F. stand for? Many things.…. With posts such as Undeterred Females, Unfair Fortunes,  and Unanimous Fear, I’m trying to enlighten others in the nicest way possible…. So instead of saying “fuck you”, I’m reaching down deep into my gut, pulling out a plethora of patience, and I’m giving you the opposite of F.U…. U.F….. Because I love you. I’m doing this out of love, because I don’t want you continuing to walk around like the ignorant fuck that you have been… Also because I am one of you. I’ve walked around like an ignorant fuck plenty of times over, and I hate to see the same thing happen to you/other people.

 

 

Before you lies an honest, poetic, and sometimes harsh interpretation of worlds typically misunderstood and mishandled…. a fresh perspective to an ever changing industry that, at its core, will forever remain the same…  This is not something to be dismissed, taken lightly, or spat upon… It is the reality seen over and over, felt over and over, absorbed over and over, yet denied, rejected, or not even considered by many people, who in my mind, should know better. And if these same people read this, maybe they will learn something or see clear. Maybe they’ll wake the fuc up, and think proper, feel proper. We shall see, time will tell.

Future U.F. posts:

Unfair Fortunes / Undeterred Females / Unanimous Fear

Uneducated Fuck / Unadulterated Fortitude / Understanding Fake

Utilitarian Finances / Usurped Fortress / Ugly Fight

Unrecognized Forces / Ubiquitous Fault / Unfortunate Fallacies

Ultimate Freedom / United Front /

“Exchange policy for buying souls”… “Fiber of my Being”… “Snail’s pace.”

“Exchange policy for buying souls”

I tried to sell my soul to the devil, but he wanted a refund / Impossible to get on his level, and I’m not the only one.

He expected ounces, my soul weighed tons / I addressed him as “sir,” and he called me a cunt.

 

“Fiber of my being”

Welcome to the Lion’s den / Where the women are the lambs, and the wolves are the men… Did my life really come to this? / This isn’t what I want…. Always a quick fix / to get over the next front… Haven’t gotten what I wanted, Haven’t gotten what I needed / Feel like every fiber of my being has been locked up and beaten.

“Snails’s Pace”

Healing at a snail’s pace / Craving for Holy Grail’s taste…. On the black market, cerebral mace / Our thought is what our will creates.

Trying to make pure business, the most personal? Impossible, if you’ve once made the most personal, pure business.

Trying to make pure business, the most personal? Impossible, if you’ve once made the most personal, pure business….  There’s no turning back from that.

Boundaries are already defined.

This is not a new conversation. Not at this surface level. You don’t have me cornered or quarantined or up against the ropes. This is very familiar territory, and you have no leverage here. You don’t have the winning hand no matter what your cards are, because I come with a stack of aces in this game. This game is rigged and you’re going to lose, so don’t even try to play.

We (meaning those who have practiced or divulged in any type of what I term “adult theatre”… which often is mistakenly categorize as “strippers” or “workers in the sex industry,” when the word “sex” should NEVER ever be used because its so misleading, its like… calling the devil, God, or calling a toilet, a soup bowl… Sex is a beautiful thing done willingly for enjoyment, not fake horrible distorted things. That’s not what sex is, and dancing is not sex either…. so “problematic” is an understatement with this commonly misused term that soils the pristine).

ANYWAY, we (see above for clarification) are experienced in this realm, and if something is off limits, we can communicate that effectively with ease, quickly and succinctly. Whether its for sale or not, if there is a price tag, or if its off the market, meaning that its not an option. Without getting mad or disturbed at that moment. Remaining calm, laughing in the face of absurdity. Laughing on the inside.

What makes me say this? what is causing me to bring this up at this exact moment? Well, I can’t say that this was the first time, and I can’t say it’ll be the last… but let me tell you a story… A significantly older gentleman and I struck up a conversation as he was walking his Pekingese, this gorgeous long haired dog that I immediately started gushing over… Pit bulls are the dog of choice in my neighborhood. There are so many pitt bull owners, it’s borderline bizarre. I’ve never seen anything like this in my life and I’ve lived a lot of places. This same neighborhood didn’t even allow dogs over 20 lbs in years prior, so the influx/immigration of beautiful protective pit bulls has been a welcome adjustment… Seeing the fancy Pekingese trot down the walkway in a jurisdiction governed by pit bulls was like seeing a Nordic Victoria’s Secret supermodel in a land of buffed up ghetto dudes in military fatigues. It just didn’t fit….hearing the man’s story, I quickly learned that he didn’t fit either.

Out of his element, staying at a friends place temporarily, recovered from spinal injury/opiate addiction, former professional poker player, Jewish, businessman, street educated, not college, accustomed to wealth for the most part, wanted to brag about his rich friends and namedrop the names of people who I’ve never heard of, and had little interest in remembering… these are the things I learned over a casual supposedly business oriented meal…. long story short, within an initial 8 minute casual conversation, he wanted to play the white knight and in order to do that he had to create a problem where none existed. I spoke of career goals and what direction I was moving in/towards, and he jumped the gun, saying “I can help you with that”.

Oh really? So quickly? With so little information about me? You want to do me a giant favor, and put me on? That’s already suspect. After him saying that I looked 24/25, and my facial expression communicating GTFOH, he clarified that MY BODY looked 24/25 and that I must work out all the time.  I do love the gym and eat well, my body does look young, but I literally just met you, you are 60 years old and look your age (which is 25 years my senior!), you are a smoker with a gut, and you never lifted weights in your life. do you really think we share the same value system or standards when it comes to health and fitness? I don’t understand the comments, but ok, I get it…. my response was “yeah, alright, gtfoh, I look my age, thanks… all men say that line, that’s old news, that’s basic.” and I brushed that off. I didn’t give that attention. I dismissed his comments about my body, and he was like, “why do you feel insulted? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to insult you.”

fast forward to dinner…. he led with a job offer, commission based sales. my conversation was always about jobs, business, different cities, the future, athletics/training, real estate, neighborhoods, education…. I didn’t acknowledge things outside of that scope. it got no time from me, zero attention… he made this dinner 100% business when communicating the purpose of meeting, and despite me knowing that he made these off kilter comments, I can and will keep it 100% business. That’s not a problem. you’re not going to get anything out of me in that way. It’s impossible. I declare my boundaries well, I know what I want and don’t want…. of course, this hasn’t always been the case before this tiny little insignificant dinner. in times of desperation, I needed help and someone who cared. and I was vulnerable. ive been taken advantage of, when I legitimately needed help. (mind you, I always help myself, more than anyone in this world. whoever says that you need no support ever for anything under any crcumstances, is an abusive liar, and ive heard that.)…. at one particular moment in my past, I was unable to declare a very significant boundary, and that had great consequences for my life. repercussions. this will be another blog post (* ).

how I read him:  on point with reading people, he has the poker player background, mind you. egotistical and off a little bit. he spoke of his ex who was 25 years younger than him, Asian, and played candy crush all day while he supported her financially.. and another ex who he got a competitive cocktail waitressing job for, and she’s doing great…. hmmmm, ok.

The point is, what I’m trying to get at, is that he got livid, very mad, when I politely declined dinner with him for a SECOND NIGHT IN A ROW. I said that I had to be productive, meaning get work done online. actually move forward with something that is more substantial or guaranteed…. and he had the nerve to text me that “letting him get to know me is the most productive thing that I could be doing.” Isn’t that crazy?  Its comical and its a turnoff, not that I was ever attracted…. However that’s a very unattractive thing to say. How would he know what’s the most productive thing that I could be doing? You don’t know what projects I’m working on, my priorities, or who I already know and am involved with. He knew very little, which was very appropriate for our meeting.

Further, who does dinner 2 nights in a row casually, non business, upon first meeting?  this was never anything romantic and its a quite a leap to think that…. isn’t is expected that people are busy with work and gym and cleaning and bills and entrepreneurial endeavors?!

After our first and only meeting, he informed me that he wanted the owner of said company to meet me, and that we’ll go to dinner or arrange a meeting… I said fine, if the business person/owner is there, no problem, because that’s the whole point of the meeting…. because I was busy, I could not meet up till 8pm, and the guy told me that that may be too late for the business owner, so how about me and him just go out to dinner?  That’s when I said that I had to be productive, so no thank you, perhaps another time… then he came with that arrogant outrageous comment, “the most productive thing that you could be doing is letting me get to know you.”

Uhhhh…. I doubt that. I’ve heard your speech, I’ve heard your pitch. I’m sure that I could be doing a lot of things much more productive. Always. You’re not my cash cow and I don’t need you. But its nice that you think that. Good for you. Let me know how that works out for you.

 

Undeterred Females

Undeterred Females

Undeterred females, never a second thought / Back pushed up against the wall, throat almost cut…. Blade warm from the heat of his pocket / Your eyes record all, like a legal docket… Everything taken, your wallet, your shoes / Never a truer statement: Nothing left to lose.

Left penniless, young, no supportive family / Lessons learned… Undeterred, still standing…. Gripping certain goals, must get from point A to point B / Never letting go, of the vision only she can see.

Never a truer statement: Nothing left to lose / Forced to fend, while others her age chew…. On adolescent pacifiers, still clear dependents / Even if not wealthy, they’ve been defended…. From fending for themselves, scavenging for food clothing shelter / Shielded from the nasty underbelly out there.

With ambition, goals, respectable pursuits but no throne / Nowhere to hang her hat, lay her head, call home… Born a princess, deprived of a crown / Sexual trenches became her training ground… She never belonged there, it was training by force / Par for the course was lack of remorse.

Undeterred, by the damage and pain / Visions occurred, voice untamed.

 

 

 

 

 

Unanimous Fear

Unanimous fear of trenches unknown / I shed a tear, for your frill cankerous home… You lack understanding, you have fear because you do not know / But in your mind; concrete. Beliefs made of stone… I’ll crack your stone, cause it’s not that strong / Sledgehammer, dynamite, a drill all along…  In my tiny toolbox, ain’t nothing to me / But for you, my friend, it would be quite heavy.

You carry no weight, although you think you’re strong, on top / But sweetie, I carry you, without me you’ll drop.

You’re not Atlas, you’re a bitch / What more, the platinum fact is, your wealth does not make you rich…. Because you lack understanding of businesses so basic / It’s a tough world out there and you don’t want to face it.

I can’t believe the pompous attitude, I feel so bad for you and your kind / Thank God I know people with much more money than you, and they’re not so God damned blind…. The difference between you and them, is that they actually earned it / They fought for their keep, battles you haven’t learned of.

So you want to pass judgment, sitting across the table from me / You want to look at me as a whore, on a level beneath the sea?

That’s fine my darling, and oh so hilarious / You want to digest what the platinum fact is?

The fact is that you’re weak, you’ve been shielded from the slightest hardship / It’s easy to see, you’re borderline retarded.

I’m glad your father protected you, I preach that myself / But you’re not a product of protection, you’re like a disabled elf.

Your attitude was uncalled for, and I’ll have you know / The 2 ladies next to me are college educated, jobs in tow…. Yeah, they may be hired company for this night alone / But they seem better than you, you’re like an old dusty drone

Tapping into your mentality, touching your thoughts / Do you realize how wrong you are? Not for naught,

I would bet good money that not only do they have a higher IQ / But they’re more athletic, talented, funny, with better character than you.

So please, before I educate you on the ways of the world and basic shit that you know nothing about / Brace yourself for a hit, and wipe that grim smirk off your mouth.